Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
