Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
