Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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