you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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