I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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