My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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