I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
