DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The uberlube is also flammable
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
