the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
