whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
