Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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