billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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