so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
