Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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