I wish I could teleport
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
