Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
