I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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