I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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