My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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