You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
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Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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