When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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