Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
