i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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