I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
