I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
