I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she smelled like a LAN party
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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