hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
