This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can you bring me the toilet please
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
