I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
