we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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