Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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