Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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