my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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