Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
