Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
