On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Are we still banned from the library?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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