Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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