It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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