I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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