so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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