Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
