It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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