I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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