If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
