You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
