i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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