To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
