I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
