Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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