I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
