dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
