Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
