ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
