You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You took a bar mat shot.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
