I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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