HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
