hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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