yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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